Laughing Matters:
Reprinted from www.swynk.com
There has been a lot of talk about so-called "smart cards" lately. Microsoft built support for the supposedly intelligent pieces of plastic into its Windows 2000 operating system. They're all the rage in some companies, the latest in ultra-high-level-top-secret-extra-special security devices. I don't know. I remain a little dubious myself.
If the cards so darn smart, why didn't they dress themselves up to look like something other than a credit card? Don’t they know how popular credit card theft is in criminal circles? Don't they know how many people associate the ideal of credit cards with their own financial ruin? If they were at all politically savvy, and really wanted to be accepted by the masses, I think they would have disguised themselves as playful puppies, or chocolate éclairs, or something else that's a little more likeable.
And I'm not convinced that they are all that smart, anyway. When I got one, I was eager to have an intellectually challenging conversation with it. Ha. Regardless of the topic in which I tried to engage it – quantum mechanics, English literature, biogenetic engineering – it just sat there, looking like another dumb credit card. It couldn't even beat me at chess (and I'm not that great a chess player). Someone finally told me that in order to communicate with it, I'd have to get a smart card reader. A "reader" sounds more like something you'd buy your second grader than something needed by an ostensibly knowledgeable piece of advanced technology, but okay. I got the reader, set it up and attached it to my computer, and consulted the instructions.
"Step one: swipe the card," the document instructed.
Well, good grief. I've been aware for a long time that the moral and ethical foundations of our society have been crumbling around us, but this is just too much. Now manufacturers are openly advocating that you steal the components needed to make their products work. What's this world coming to? No, thanks – I want everyone to know that I bought and paid for my card.
I discarded the documentation and tried passing the card through the reader's slot, having perfected that skill over many years of interaction with ATM machines (many of which are not so "smart," either. Have you ever noticed how they're always telling you "cannot complete transaction." That's all, just "cannot complete transaction." Well, why not? How vague and unhelpful can you get? I don't know if that means the international banking network is down, or that someone hacked into my account and absconded with my entire life's savings, or my finger slipped and I punched in the wrong PIN, or the stupid machine just doesn't feel like working today. For Pete's sake, if it were smart, you'd think it would be just a little more specific).
Well, after about half an hour of fussing and fiddling with the thing, I was finally able to use my "smart card" to log onto Windows. Wow. Gosh. Gee whiz. I'm impressed. Never mind that I could have just pressed Ctrl-Alt-Del and typed my username and password, and gotten logged on in, oh, about 3 seconds, tops.
All right, so speed and efficiency isn't necessarily the point. It's all about security these days. My smart little card will prevent other folks from impersonating me and logging onto the network with my hard-earned credentials. Sounds good. Except … what happens when I, um, "misplace" my card? Is it smart enough to come running back home to me? Is it even smart enough to refuse to work for someone else? I don’t think so. What really happens is that now not only can someone else use it to log on, but now I can't log on, even though I'm the legit user. On the other hand, it's a lot harder for someone to steal the password (dheYj!3BerA) that I carry around inside my head than to swipe ("but officer, I was just following the directions") a piece of plastic I carry around in my briefcase. Or pocket. Or – oh, geez. Where in the heck did I put it this time?
In my opinion, smart cards are "smart" only in the sense that intelligence is relative. Sure, a six year old who can recite the alphabet may seem pretty "smart" when compared to a baby who can only say "goo." And compared to the element they seek to replace/supplement – network users – the cards may seem smart, too. But I seriously doubt their ability to score more than 12 on a standardized IQ test.
I'm still waiting for the advent of a really smart card: one that will have the brains and the guts to stand up and say "wait a minute; you don't really need that, do you?" when, caught up in the stupor of this year's Christmas shopping daze, I start to add whiz-bang food processors and glow-in-the-dark neon ties to my cart in desperation as the hope of finding appropriate, original gifts for hard-to-buy-for family members fades into the recesses of mall madness. That would be a smart card worthy of the name.